The King by J.R. WardMy rating: 2 of 5 stars
☆ ☆
No spoilers and and definitely colorful language abound!
Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Sigh.
The King is upon us, and as a loyal, albeit disgruntled fan, I proceeded with caution. Despite the arduous and at times hysterical journey, I have triumphed.
It was exactly 3% that I realized the error of my ways. I like many of you awaited the publication of what I hoped to be Wards return to her former glory, reconnecting with the characters who started it all. With an omnipresent sense of dread I started The King, allowing my buoyant optimism to overshadow the fact that the last two books were a disastrous blunder. It was then, I read the following:
He was the last purebred vampire left on the planet - and when it came to her and sex, he was fully capable of going wrecking-ball to get at her. And not in the stupid-ass Miley Cyrus poser-sex way - and provided Beth was willing, of course.
If this tickles your fancy, I encourage you to read through my status updates. Quotes of this caliber are in abundance.
This book, and I'm being generous even calling it that, is a far cry from what we all know her to be capable of. The sad part is, as a long standing BDB fan it truly is sad for me, that under all the bullshit is an actual story, one I know, love and miss dearly. This shouldn't be called The King, it should be called The Death Rattle of a Dying Series.
Ingredients for The Death Rattle
4 parts Miley Cyrus references ( added points with the mention of "twerking")
2 dashes of the word "defo" ( added points with the use of "abso" and "jel", use accordingly)
9 mentions of the iPhone ( added points with the mention of Apple, Siri, or the opposer Blackberry)
1 references to Facebook relationship updates (read: It's complicated)
1 nod to Nike's Just Do It
117 uses of the word "sex"
2435 scenes featuring characters no one gives a fuck about
1 epic hose down of jizz
17 excerpts from fanfiction to save time
1 adult temper tantrum with the required use of tranquilizers
1 scene of the "good ole days" just to keep the reader hanging on, use sparingly, we don't want them getting any ideas here.
Directions
Take all your social references and sift together to remove any lumps.
Measure "sex" and pour in slowly, while mixing by hand.
Add "characters no one gives a fuck about" and "excerpts from fanfiction" fully incorporate.
Beat "epic hose down of jizz" until you have white fluffy peaks, fold into batter gently.
Grease your 9x10 pan with the softened adult tantrum.
Bake for 13 months at a low 250.
Let cool and garnish with 1 scene featuring past favorite characters
Plate and serve to your editor.
Suggestion: If you find that all those dated and unnecessary social references are bogging down the story flow, plow forward. You definitely need those, they are not jarring at all.
So there we have it. Yet another disappointing and bizarre installment of the BDB. I will never do this to myself again.
BAHAHAHAHAHAHA. YEAH RIGHT.
Like a true dementia patient, I will read the next one. I will wait for it's publication. I will speculate on who will appear and what will happen. Perhaps a bit on my favorite brothers? I will get excited at the prospect of more time with Rehv or V. I will read every book of this series until she puts it to rest.
I know, I know, but it's because in those brief moments with some of my old favorites, I remembered so clearly how much I love these books, this world, and these characters. I've spent so much time in it that it all plays so clearly in my mind. The compound, their faces, their voices, the cheesy sex scenes, I love it all, and above all I am an optimist or some shit.
And so it begins again.
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